Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (a Mostly True Memoir)

I say inappropriate things. I mean, they just fall out of my mouth. That little voice inside my head is always saying “Ohhhhh, I can’t believe she just said that. I’m glad I’m in here and not out there.”

Jenny Lawson (also known as The Bloggess), the author of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, is known to her friends as “that chick that says the f-word a lot.” She’s lucky enough to have a husband and a few good friends who understand her constant f-bombs. I’m lucky to have two good friends (thanks Kathy and Carol) who don’t seem fazed when the f-word slips out of my mouth. 

Sometimes I sit in my parked car, keep the windows rolled up and shout every single swear word I know (and interesting combinations that would get me arrested in 13 states). I can’t shout in the unisex bathroom at work anymore. Last time I did it someone gave me the stink eye when I came out. I now go to my car and scream obscenities. I’m a lady. 

Jenny Lawson is known for her blog on the bizarre things that happen in her life (and for some reason most people can relate to the craziness).  Let’s Pretend This Never Happened has some of the best posts such as:

 “It Wasn’t Even My Crack”: Jenny moves to a new house and her polite father-in-law, while holding up a sandwich bag of white powder, asks if it is her crack. 

“Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus,” :  I’m an ardent believer that yes, Jesus was technically a zombie in the strictest sense of the word.

“The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Door”:   Who hasn’t been in the bathroom and been positive they’re alone in the house until someone starts banging on the door? 

“If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices”:  A chapter about the the adventure that is artificial cow insemination. 

 “No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquette”:  Jenny meets her future mother-in-law for the first time. When she sits on the couch and leans back she gets the evil eye. Couch cushions are for show only and not for comfort.

“Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel”:  Jenny’s father is a taxidermist who tries out his creations on his two daughters. He shoves a dead squirrel into a cereal box and convinces them it’s an actual talking squirrel that does tricks.

And my favorite:

“The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn’t Want You to Know”:  Jenny worked for 15 years in the human resource department at various companies. One day a woman came in to reapply for a job that she quit a month earlier. On “reason for leaving” she wrote: “That job sucked. Plus, my supervisor was a douche-nugget.”

I went back and reread that one because I was laughing so hard. I think I’ll highlight it in my own copy. Yes, the book was so good I went and bought it.

This is a quick read and it’s one of those books you continue laughing about even after you have put it down. I’ve told several of my co-workers about it (and forcibly put it on hold for my favorite co-worker) and can’t wait for them to read it. 

They’d better read it. If they don’t, I’ll be forced to put a stuffed squirrel named Stanley on their desk chair.

Jennifer