The Fastest Hunk of Junk in the Galaxy

Nothing is more practical, necessary, and – let’s be honest – downright boring than a repair manual. I don’t mean to belittle the format. The last thing you want is witty dialog or a stunning use of metaphor when you are trying to change a spark plug. But the tedium of trying to always be clear and concise, manual after manual, must weigh on the writers.

Clearly this burden has gotten to the folks who produce the Haynes Repair Manual series. Tucked away amid the usual Ford Escort and Chevrolet Nova guides, are some truly odd and fantastical Haynes repair manuals that have come out recently.

Haynes Boeing 747Take, for instance, the Boeing 747 : 1970 Onwards (All Marks) Owner’s Workshop Manual. If you just happen to own a Boeing 747, a 350 million dollar investment (and that’s without the engines), this is the manual for you. Actually since the book is only 168 pages I’m guessing you might need a little more information, not to mention a grounds crew, to fly and maintain the aircraft. Still it is a fun read and packed with useful facts: who would have guessed that an oil change is rarely, if ever, needed?

Haynes U.S.S. EnterpriseThe jump from the improbable to the impossible begins with the U.S.S. Enterprise NX-01, NCC-1701, NCC-1701-A to NCC-1701-E : Owner’s Workshop Manual. Starting in the model year 2151 this manual examines (in a level of detail only the lovingly obsessed possess) the history, major technologies and functions of every starship with the name of Enterprise. If you are curious about warp propulsion, holodecks, photon torpedoes, and deflector shields, this manual will not disappoint. The section on How Transporters Work, complete with a second by second operational timeline, is not to be missed.

I must admit, it was a kick to see how the authors put together all of the various television series and movies into one cohesive narrative based on a fictional ship. The manual shows no evidence of the internecine conflict that can happen between the different series’ admirers. It just depicts a united Federation going where no man/one has gone before. If all this goodwill isn’t to your liking, then definitely check out the Klingon Bird-of-Prey : I.K.S. Rotarran (b’rel-class), Owner’s Workshop Manual.

Haynes Millennium FalconSpeaking of rivals, that other great science fiction universe has a manual as well. Yes it’s the Millennium Falcon Modified YT-1300 Corellian Freighter: Owner’s Workshop Manual. As I’m sure you know from your Star Wars viewing, the Millennium Falcon is in constant need of repair so a manual makes perfect sense. Learning how to fix, temporarily, that pesky hyperdirve and how to successfully navigate an asteroid field (the odds of which are approximately 3,720 to 1) are just a few of the helpful skills you will learn. You will also find out about the famous pilots of the Falcon including Lando Calrissian, Chewbacca and of course Han, I shot first, Solo.

Being of a more Imperial nature, I hope the rumors are true that an Owner’s Workshop Manual for the Death Star is in the works. Until then I will have to content myself with the current petition to the United States government to build a Death Star by 2016. Having achieved 25,000 signatures it meets the rules for an official Presidential response. I’m hoping that James Earl Jones will deliver the decision.

Richard

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